REVIEW - The Wicker Man (remake)

Here is the latest in a continuing series of reviews of terrible films. We're taking the hit so you don't have to. You're welcome.

I have never seen the original Wicker Man, with Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee, but this Nicolas Cage version has a reputation as being a pretty terrible film.

This reputation is well deserved.

The Wicker Man is full of plot twists you can see coming about three miles away. I mean really bad. Like, "I'm allergic to bees!" and GUESS WHAT HAPPENS. That kind of telegraphing, which is just the laziest thing ever. I'm not sure if the film is poorly acted or the actors are doing the best they can with terrible material. Technically, the film was well shot and it looks good, but holy cow is this movie a mess otherwise. Nicolas Cage plays a cop who is probably the worst, most inept investigator I've ever seen in a film, who gets a letter from his ex-fiance that her daughter is missing and could he help to find her. It surprises no one but Cage's character when he realizes like an hour into the film that the missing girl MIGHT BE HIS DAUGHTER! Retardedness ensues, like Cage being stung by a swarm of bees, Cage punching numerous women, and Cage attempting to save the day wearing a bear costume. These scenes are not (as near as I can tell) playing for laughs. Intentionally.

I'm not sure what this film was going for. If it was parodying the original, it doesn't really have that "winking at the audience" tone. Also, I don't think The Wicker Man's really well-known enough of a film for someone to parody as a mainstream film. As a straight-up remake, it strays a good bit from its source material in both contents and execution. Further confusing things is this statement from an incredibly long interview between Spike Jonze and Moriarty from Ain't It Cool News:

Moriarty: Yeah. And I think far more self-aware than most people think. Like I think some people think Nic is in this vacuum and doesn’t realize how crazy some of his performances are. I got the feeling he was totally aware of how people perceive things. We were talking about THE WICKER MAN, and he was like, “How do people call that an unintentional comedy? I’m in a bear suit kicking Lelee Sobieski in the throat. I know it’s funny.”

Spike Jonze: He just takes it so seriously that nobody knows how to take him. Like PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED, I was like, “What is that?” Like I was 15 so I didn’t really know.

It's good to know that even Spike was confused.

So, what is it? Is The Wicker Man an intentional comedy? Is Nic Cage acting in a comedy, but director Neil LaBute is shooting a horror film? Is this some kind of genius move on LaBute's part to be a meta commentary on the retardedness of modern horror remakes? The endless permutations of unlikely excuses lead me to the conclusion that nobody knew what the final product would be, and they got a film that's only useful to laugh at when edited down to about two minutes of insanity on YouTube. And here it is:

Now you've literally seen all that The Wicker Man has to offer with regards to entertainment value, unless you want to see the very satisfying ending; Nicolas Cage being burned alive along with farm animals inside the titular Wicker Man is probably the best ending any Cage film could ever hope for, and it is totally earned. So to spare you the effort of seeing the film just for that, why not just show it to you:

It will likely surprise no one that the little girl setting fire to Officer Nic Cage's character is in fact the cop's daughter. She's setting fire to her dad, who only came to find her! IRONY!

Also, keep in mind when watching these clips that THIS MAN WON AN OSCAR FOR ACTING.

I'm not even sure this film is suitable for "bad movie night" or something similar, just because it's so frustratingly stupid. It's no fun to watch a film with a protagonist that is so insufferably retarded that the viewer is pleased to see him immolated. Avoid this film at all costs, though its YouTube spawn are definitely worth checking out.

Editor's Note: The author has a deep and abiding distaste for the work of Nicolas Cage; however, he freely admits that Cage's performances in both Matchstick Men and Adaptation. were very, very good. This is likely due to the roles playing to Cage's particular "acting style", if one were to call it that. Adding to that, an unreferenced source has quoted Cage himself that in the case of Adaptation., Cage "ignored every acting instinct [he] had and trusted [director] Spike [Jonze] completely". This, in the opinion of the author, is a novel little concept that might serve Cage well in future projects.