For those who may be unfamiliar, lolcats are an "image macro consisting of a photo of a cat with a caption characteristically formatted in a sans serif font such as Impact or Arial Black. The image is, on occasion, photoshopped for effect. The caption generally acts as a speech balloon encompassing a comment from the cat, or is a simple description of the depicted scene. The caption is intentionally written with deviations from standard English spelling and syntax featuring "strangely-conjugated verbs, but [a tendency] to converge to a new set of rules in spelling and grammar." These altered rules of English have been referred to as a type of pidgin or baby talk. The text is frequently in the form of a snowclone parodying the grammar-poor slang stereotypically attributed to users of the America Online service." Thanks, Wikipedia.
The important thing here is that we get to the point. With something as geek-centric as the Internet, you knew it was only a matter of time before the meme was turned to...you guessed it, robots. Check out the funz at: http://www.lolbots.com One of the editors is Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics!
CAUTION: Contains effeminate French pirate spoilers.
You’d think a film based on a theme park ride would be just a brainless action-adventure exercise. Well, the first Pirates film kind of took that idea and threw it out the window, raising the bar for all action blockbusters that came after it by actually including a solid story and interesting characters. Unfortunately, the makers of the film were faced with the same problem as another bar-raising film, The Matrix: the studio wants two sequels but we have no story oh crap what do we do now?
The solution? Distract the audience from a lack of plot by showing them a neat special effect. Dead Man’s Chest featured Davy Jones, probably the best actor-driven special effect to date (high praise when considering Gollum from Lord of the Rings), but one thing the film forgot about halfway through was the original film’s sense of swashbuckling adventure and it kind of ended up making a mess of things in the long run.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End is not so much a film as it is an attempt to tidy up the mess created by the plots of the previous films. Make no mistake; the film has exciting action sequences, amazing special effects, etc. However, a laborious plot and watching characters we used to like stab each other in the back (both literally and figuratively) repeatedly and in as many combinations as possible are apparently not as much fun as one might think.
This is the second summer film so far where my main gripe is that there’s way too much talking going on. Now I am certainly not saying that the movie needs to be dumbed down, that is the last thing I’d want. It’s just that the talking serves to further the plot, which is kinda useless when said plot gets completely reset about every five minutes because somebody switched sides again. Then there's more standing around making back-room deals like a bunch of pirate lawyers. You need a scorecard to follow the characters’ ever-changing allegiances, and it doesn’t matter anyway because they’re just going to change again in a few minutes anyway, ultimately frustrating the viewer into turning off their brain and looking at the explosions and Geoffrey Rush’s glorious (and entirely appropriate under the circumstances) overacting.
Speaking of actors, there’s lots of them in the movie. Orlando Bloom has the unenviable task of playing the bland and lifeless hero, which he does expertly. Keira Knightley does the best she can with her new task of basically carrying the film. Together, they make one of cinema history’s least charismatic couples. Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack is going through a bit of a personal crisis in this film, what with being dead at the end of the second film and all, so please forgive him if he is slightly less fun than in previous installments. Bill Nighy’s Davy Jones isn’t in the film nearly enough, and that toady Lord Beckett guy is in it entirely too much (not that he's in it all that much, really, thank goodness). The usual crew of secondary characters return, and all have their moments. Surprising to me was the return of those two bumbling Redcoats from the first film, but whatever. A new addition is Chow Yun Fat as some crazy Asian pirate guy, who’s pretty cool until he gets all creepy uncle on Miss Swann. What’s that about?
One thing to be prepared for: LOTS OF PEOPLE GET KILLED. Some in interesting ways, some in ridiculous ways, some in retarded ways. Characters we’ve followed for all three films get tossed out like yesterday’s medical waste, while other characters that are important to the “plot” but not the story get the Bruckheimer slow-motion explosion treatment and it is COMPLETELY UNEARNED.
Also, the climactic battle is set up as this huge naval war, and it is NOT all that. Just so you know. Keep cheering, effeminate French pirate guy, all you did was stand there and watch.
Much has been made of Keith Richards’ appearance in the film, and at the end of the day we need to stand back and remember that we’re talking about Keith Richards here, we should maybe lower our expectations to a reasonable level. From this viewpoint, he doesn’t disappoint.
As an aside, I’d like to point out that this is probably the first film to fade in from a Disney logo to a scene of children and minorities being hung by the neck until dead. Not sure that’s what Walt was thinking of when he set up that motion picture studio, guys.
Once again, like Spider-Man 3, it seems more like this film was made less because anyone demanded it than as a matter of course. It does not meet the quality level of the first Pirates film, or even the second; in fact, I probably would have enjoyed it more if it were a mindless swashbuckling action film instead of a field study in treachery and duplicitousness.
Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski threw in everything but the kitchen sink while capping off the Pirates franchise. Unfortunately, they forgot one other thing this time: to make it entertaining.
Note: DO NOT stay after the closing credits to see what happens. Nothing happens. It is a complete waste of time.
Instead of going to see Pirates 3, just watch this. It's shorter and a thousand times more fun. No Davy Jones, though. Sorry.Mad props to Jman for the video. Werd.
Bassist Peter Hook said as much in his myspace blog, for a certainty one of the more low-key, matter-of-fact splits you're likely to ever see. There's some dispute as to whether or not New Order is finished ("sources close to the band" say it's not true), but Hook certainly thinks so - and what's New Order without him?
Well, the short answer is that it's Stephen Morris and Bernard Sumner; but seriously, there's no replacing Hook's bass hooks and distinctive style. Without him, Bernie and Stephen can still go out there and call themselves New Order I GUESS, but for my money it's just not the same.
Instead of crying in our collective proverbial beers, however, we should be grateful for the rich back catalog that Joy Division and New Order leave behind.
This is the song you play when you lose someone. Just so you know.
So because Star Wars is now officially fresh out of any new ideas, George has decided to beat this dead horse called the Clone Wars as much as possible. To that end, he brings us this...
Actually, I take that back. Because I've seen this:
The above clip is from the film Final Fantasy: Advent Children, which has probably the best CG animation to date. There are moments when the characters are basically photorealistic. I'm sure George didn't want to go in that direction for good reason (read: $$$), but HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN???
The thing about all this Clone Wars stuff is that really, no one cares all that much. I mean, I liked Episode III okay and I really enjoyed the Clone Wars cartoon, but to be perfectly honest I'd rather get back to the Rebellion Era. That's the period I grew up with, and that's the period I'm interested in. There's a whole galaxy of stories in that era that aren't being told, and I for one would like to see them.
[George, if you read this, please contact me because I have an excellent story that takes place in the Rebellion Era that would make a good comic book or animated series and would make extensive use of established canon without involving core characters (unless you want to).]
Anyway, 30 years ago Star Wars changed the world. Now, the franchise seems like it's struggling to be noticed. At least it's not completely culturally irrelevant like Star Trek. Sorry, Star Trek, your cultural relevance has been called into question. By me. Just saying.
Also, George, good going on the Criss Angel Mindfreak ads on your website. SCARY!
There are a lot of things wrong with Spider-Man 3, and only a few things that are right. But it doesn't matter, because it's a comic book movie, right?
Have we learned nothing from Batman Begins? Christopher Nolan taught us that a comic book film can be true to its source material, consistent in tone, and still retain a mass audience. Aside from the familiar costume and the names and (occasionally) likenesses of characters, the Spider-Man films have been pretty retarded. Especially this latest one.
Let's start with the script. I'm not sure what kind of film Sam Raimi set out to make. In fact, I'm pretty sure Sam Raimi isn't sure what kind of film Sam Raimi set out to make. The script is all over the place, taking twists and turns that might be appropriate in a teen film, a romantic comedy, or one of those incredibly frustrating relationship films where you wish people would JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER. While the inclusion of such things isn't bad in itself, they simply don't fit into the summer blockbuster film we've been advertised. For every action-packed special effects sequence, we get a good half hour of talking. And not just plot-centric talking, oh no, they give us relationship talking. They also give us multiple song and dance numbers. Guys, this is a Spider-Man film. I'm all for having a fun time and stuff, but in a Spider-Man film this means taking out the bad guys, not getting all emo angsty about your girlfrend and having a dance war to get back at her for being a self-centered pig.
From the Inevitable Comparisons Department: Spider-Man 2 had Alfred Molina grounding the film as Doc Ock, and while Thomas Haden Church is undoubtedly a good actor, the script leaves Sandman with little to do but rob banks to help his sick daughter. Also, this motivation makes little sense, but let's not even get into that debate.
If Sandman was the only villain, maybe they could have given Church some time to give Flint Marko something more to do than look at that stupid locket all the time. WE GET IT, THE KID IS SICK. The fact is, they stuffed way too many bad guys into this thing. Whether or not you count Harry Osborn as a villain, there's still Venom to deal with. And that whole thing should have been its own movie. Minus the ridiculous strutting around to the Bee Gees bit, because I mean come on. Maybe if they thought about it there might have been a better way to illustrate the way the symbiote changes Peter Parker than a Saturday Night Fever sequence where he looks like sad emo kid. Sam Raimi claims not to have much love for the Venom character. It shows, because Raimi could have filmed himself giving the finger to Venom for half an hour and it would have had the same effect. Actually, it might have been more entertaining than Disco Parker.
Speaking of the Venom thing, was Topher Grace really the best choice? Maybe as a jerkface photographer, but was it better to make Eddie Brock a jerkface photographer than a career criminal? It almost seems to me that they needed to connect a few dots in the script and just made the changes to fit their convoluted story. Which, by the way, is never a good idea, just so you know.
I promised myself I wouldn't go on yet another anti-Dunst tirade, but she is a millstone 'round the neck of this film. Her character is not at all the Mary Jane of the comics, her relationship with Peter and Harry is complicated in the worst possible way, and her eyes are dead and soulless. Also she has snaggleteeth but I promised I wouldn't do this so I'll stop. Tobey Maguire no longer seems to be enjoying himself. Maybe he doesn't like looking all emo. I don't blame him. Also, Spider-Man needs to be cracking wise a lot more, especially in the fights. This really didn't happen. Both Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson are unsympathetic characters throughout the film, which is something you should probably avoid with your main characters.
Also, can I ask why you would cast James Cromwell as Capt. Stacy for what is basically two minutes of screen time? Are they going to string us along with an "Eventual Death of Gwen Stacy" subplot for three more movies like they have with Dr. Connors/the Lizard?
For what is probably one of the most expensive films ever made to date, it's not consistent effects-wise. For every incredible looking effects sequence (like any of the Sandman stuff), we get some video game cutscene garbage. Also, let me go on record as saying that the whole crane thing was about the most contrived thing ever, and was so lacking in logic that I half-expected Superman to show up. That was a knock on Superman, by the way. Speaking of contrived, that climactic battle was pretty retarded. I liked it the second time, in Spider-Man 2. And the first time, in Spider-Man 1.
However comma, there were some good things about the film. Once again, J.K. Simmons IS J. Jonah Jameson. Bryce Dallas Howard makes me wish Mary Jane was the one who was doomed. As mentioned earlier, the Sandman effects were great, but they've had the software to do that since The Mummy, so they should be good at it by now. Bruce Campbell single-handedly steals the entire film for a good ten minutes, illustrating the correct way to have a lighthearted sequence in a Spider-Man movie. That butler was pretty good until he had to deliver a bunch of horse poopy heavy-lifting exposition. Yeah, sure Omniscient Butler Man. Go clean up the kitchen, Harry and Mary Jane made a mess in there earlier when they were MAKING OMELETS AND DANCING TO OLDIES MUSIC.
Ultimately, all three Spider-Man films are fatally flawed by a willful ignorance of the source material, and this film shows it most of all because they're (apparently?) trying to fix their mistakes. The death of Gwen Stacy and the death of Uncle Ben were pivotal elements that made Peter Parker into the Spider-Man we know today. In the first film, it should have been Gwen Stacy that died when the Green Goblin dropped her from the bridge and Spider-Man tried to save her, breaking her neck in the attempt. Instead, Spider-Man was able to save Mary Jane in the same scenario. I'm not sure what Raimi is playing at by bringing Gwen into the film now; if it's because the script needed a romantic rival for Mary Jane, they could have used Betty Brant, or even Ursula, the Russian girl next door from Peter. At any rate, her death would have little resonance at this point, but I'd be perfectly willing to sacrifice Mary Jane to have Gwen Stacy around all the time instead. They've already botched 40 years of continuty, why stop now?
